ONE DAY AT A TIME
Three months after a heartbreaking miscarriage, I am once again pregnant. Joy and fear took turns in my mind. Joy to become a mother and fear of another miscarriage. So I didn’t really care about the fifth or ninth month. I was only concerned on how to live one day at a time.
MOM
On my second visit to the OB, due to blood clots seen near my baby, I was asked immediately to take blood tests for APAS. According to Smart Parenting it’s an autoimmune disorder wherein your body makes abnormal antibodies that attack and damage tissues and cells. So instead of helping you defend the body against infection, your own antibodies attack the body or shall I say the baby? My heart can’t handle another miscarriage and I started to wonder if I will ever be a mom.
ALIVE
After taking medications for three months, the bleeding stopped and final results turned out to be negative. And for 264 days, my evening prayer has always been “Thank you for keeping my baby alive today”.
TOMORROW
When I graduated from monthly to weekly check-ups, the idea and danger of giving birth that I’ve been neglecting for several months suddenly sink in. I realized I have two titanium rods and screws attached to my spine due to scoliosis so how will I give birth? I thought if you opt for normal delivery, there would be no injection to your spine but I was wrong. I’m due in a week’s time and I’m just thinking about it now! I was so focused on today that I forgot about tomorrow.
GREAT
My OB calmly said, anesthesiologists can do it but I was really scared and doubtful so I went back to my spine surgeon and what he said made me worry even more. Plan things ahead and I only have one week left. Great!
SAFE
I wanted to avoid having a needle inserted in my spine and I wanted to avoid general anesthesia due to possible effect on my baby. I am left with no other option but to deliver a natural birth without any medication. Accepting and enduring the pain via normal delivery with no epidural. I have seven days to prepare. And I programmed my mind that yes, I can do unmedicated birth to ensure that my baby is safe.
BATTLE
Three days to go before my OB induce me. Good thing, labor started 8:00 PM of June 20. The following day, I was awakened at 3 AM with painful cramps. The 30 minute interval was reduced to 15 and then to 10. I told my husband maybe we need to go. We left the house, drove to Mcdo for breakfast and we reached the hospital at 5 AM of June 21. I am so confident and ready to apply all the breathing techniques I learned for this battle.
IN BETWEEN
For 15 hours, I endured unmedicated labor. No matter how persistent the nurses are in giving me pain reliever every time they’ll see me in pain, I refused. In my mind, I need to endure this as the pain will be stronger later on. In times when it feels unbearable, my husband would hold my hand and rub my back until the pain subsides. I am one heck of a brave girl because I know that no matter how painful it is, it will subside. I also tried to walk around a little and the thing that helped me most is proper breathing and fighting spirit. Inhale, exhale while counting slowly in between.
HEART
Everything was fine until the clock hit 3 PM. After my OB broke my water, the contractions gave me unimaginable pain. I know that no matter how painful it is, it must subside before it kicks in another contraction. But the monitor shows it remains to be at peak and not going down for almost an hour. My vision started to blur and my OB decided already to give me some anesthesia. It will numb some parts of the body hoping it will hit the area where pain is severe. Unfortunately, the only part it didn’t hit was my painful tummy. So at around 6 PM, after three hours of fighting still for a natural and unmedicated birth, I was already pulled into the operating room for caesarian. In there, I just entrusted myself to the One up there with all of my heart.
FINALLY
I am very thankful that the anesthesiologist that time was really experienced in terms of handling cases such as mine. My body was numb and I failed to do the right position for the anesthesia to be injected in my spine. But my anesthesiologist did it after two tries! At 6:59 of June 21, I heard the loudest cry of a newborn child. I am now a mother. My rainbow baby is finally here.
To Kai:
Still, joy and fear take turns in my mind. Joy of being your mother and fear if I can be a good mother. But just like how I handled a heartbreaking miscarriage and how I endured a painful child birth, I will just take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. I will continuously strive to be the greatest MOM, making sure you feel ALIVE everyday while we are working on providing you a brighter TOMORROW that will be nothing but GREAT.
We will keep you SAFE and we will guide you on your own BATTLES. But don’t worry as we will not forget that you are a free person who has all the right to experience happiness, sorrows, failures, success and everything IN BETWEEN.
You’re our answered prayer and a great source of happiness. Know that you will always be loved and will forever be inside Mommy and Daddy’s HEART.
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