I am 1 in 4. It is estimated that 25% of pregnancies ended in painful miscarriage. It’s me. I’m part of it and here is my story.
1. OVERJOYED
When my pregnancy test turned out to be positive.
2. EXCITED
When I announced to the world that I’m having a baby!
3. AMAZED
When I had my first ultrasound.
4. DETERMINED
When my OB advised me to go on a 2-week bed rest to start a safe first trimester.
5. CAUTIOUS
When I move, eat and sleep carefully to ensure my baby is safe and healthy.
6. CONFUSED
When I saw brown spots on my underwear.
7. THANKFUL
When my OB said it may be a sign of implantation bleeding.
8. SHOCKED
When after 3 days, the brown spots turned into blood.
9. WORRIED
When I rushed myself to the hospital.
10. RELIEVED
When my OB said she’s on her way and I know my baby will be saved. Miscarriage is not an option.
11. PUZZLED
When she started performing the ultrasound.
12. PARALYZED
When she said “Loreene, there’s no more sac”.
13. HOPEFUL
When she asked me to go to the Ultrasound Center for second opinion and confirmation.
14. ANXIOUS
When I can feel my body discharging blood slowly.
15. HOPELESS
When the sonographer is trying her best to see signs of pregnancy but there’s none.
16. NUMB
When I went back to my OB and she confirmed that it’s a failed pregnancy.
17. APATHETIC
When she said miscarriage is normal for first time mothers and that our body is intelligent to automatically reject unhealthy pair of chromosomes.
18. FINE
When I understood what she said and I feel okay.
19. EMOTIONLESS
When I left her clinic and walked straight to Parking Level 1 of Asian Hospital.
20. MISERABLE
When everything that happened started to sink and I started crying.
21. FRIGHTENED
When I shakily dialed my husband’s number.
22. LOST
When all I can hear is silence as we both don’t know what to say.
23. WEAK
When I texted my sister “I lost my baby”.
24. EDGY
When I ignored her call and realized I don’t want to talk to anybody.
25. SCARED
When I think of how I’ll break down upon reaching home.
26. NERVOUS
When I saw my husband’s car right behind me and I don’t know how to face him.
27. HEART BROKEN
When he hugged me and we started crying trying to find comfort from each other’s arms.
28. PETRIFIED
When I was awakened by excruciating stomach pain that I have never felt before.
29. POWERLESS
When I ran to the bathroom to see my baby leaving my body and I can’t do anything to stop it.
30. GLAD
When our friends came over to support and cheer us up.
31. GRATEFUL
When after they left, we felt a little better.
32. SHOCKED
When I went to the bathroom and instead of blood I finally saw the main product of our conception, my supposedly first-born.
33. KINDNESS
When I know my baby chose to leave me totally when I was having fun with my friends so I won’t feel so broken.
34. LOVE
When I gently touched him as if he is alive.
35. TERRIBLE
When I can’t flush nor throw him so I opted to keep him.
36. THANKFUL
When my husband and I prayed together that night, grateful for allowing us to experience not just the pain but the joy of being a parent even for just a while.
37. TORTURED
When the day goes by and I still cry on random circumstances that’ll remind me that my baby is gone.
38. ASHAMED
When I can’t stop crying inside a supermarket when I saw the vegetable section where I used to go when I was pregnant.
39. DAMAGED
When I turn on the shower so my husband won’t hear me crying everyday.
40. SHATTERED
When I was down on my knees, crying and silently shouting the anger in my heart, hoping the walls can absorb the pain that doesn’t go away.
41. BITTERSWEET
When I talk to my sister who is also pregnant.
42. BOLD
When I narrated to my parents the details of my miscarriage as if nothing happened so they won’t worry about me.
43. MELANCHOLIC
When we buried our baby along our bamboo trees.
44. EXCITED
When we booked a ticket to Batanes for us to recharge.
45. FREE
When we started talking about our dreams and plans of retiring in the island.
46. THRILLED
When I realized I have a 60-day leave to do a lot of things.
47. SERIOUS
When I religiously exercise every morning.
48. ACCOMPLISHED
When I completed all the requirements and permits needed by our business to operate on a bigger scale.
49. INSPIRED
When I decided to launch a blog.
50. PRODUCTIVE
When I enrolled on classes online to harness my skills.
51. DOUBTFUL
When after all those classes I still feel I can’t launch a blog.
52. CHALLENGED
When my husband told me “If you won’t believe in yourself, no one will.”
53. VENGEANCE
When I wrote myself a reminder saying “your baby decided to go so you’ll have the chance and time to do what you love. So do it!“
54. BRAVE
When I finally published this blog.
55. ECSTATIC
When you took the time to read my blog!
56. PEACE
When I don’t know how to finish this post so I went outside for inspiration and found a white butterfly flying around where we buried my baby.
57. PROUD
When despite of feeling the most profound sorrow, I was able to start something beautiful that I know my baby will be proud of.
If you’re also part of the 25%, know that it’s okay not to be okay. And as I mentioned in the 5 Powerful Ways to Recover from your Pregnancy Loss, no matter how utterly heartbroken you are, choose not to forget, but to move on. Check out how I recovered from this painful miscarriage here.
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Love you friend. Number 46 🙂
Thrilled to be on leave 😁
I’ve known you since you were a kid … have fun memories on dance rehearsals & performances but most of all our travels together! 👏🏻DOMNET kiddo
Although we’ve been separated by time, We know where to pick up when we saw each other … I have always believed and have faith in you… I am so proud of what you have become and will be just here to always pray for you…
I’ve cried when I read this knowing my Loreene would surpass all these & looking forward to more of your blogs & a piece of you ❤️ I would follow.
Missing you big time! Loves u dearly! 😘
Awww… you made me cry too! The DOMNET kiddo is now 32! Haha! Thank you for being a big part of my childhood. Missing you too big time. Regards to the beautiful kids and hubby (a.k.a Mahal)!