Motherhood is an on-going process of learning and self discovery. And I know it’s different from one Mom to another in spite of the unconditional love we all have for our children. So, I decided to document this journey by sharing my own discoveries as a mother, one year at a time.
Kai is my rainbow baby. And I can’t believe it’s been a year already. Life has taught me new and unimaginable lessons by allowing me to go through crazy and overwhelming experiences. And if I am to choose one word to honestly describe that roller coaster ride, the only word to summarize it is sacrifice.
And by sacrifice, I mean:
1. Choosing pain
I’ve undergone spinal fusion where titanium and screws were attached to my spine due to scoliosis. That’s why I’m scared of having epidural injection. Weeks before I gave birth, I found out that even if I opt for natural birth, epidural is still needed. If it’s not possible, they’ll use general anesthesia and I don’t want to risk its possible effects on my baby. So I opted for non-medicated birth. Yes, I endured 12 long hours of labor without any anesthesia or pain reliever even if nurses are urging me to take it. I can’t imagine I can sacrifice instant relief and choose to take in so much pain physically and mentally just to ensure the safety of my baby.
2. Standing up to Feed and Sing
One of my worries back then was the Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. They say the risk increases if the baby sleeps in the same bed with parents. So instead of co-sleeping with him, to make feeding easy, I chose to patiently stand up every 30 minutes, pick him up from his crib, feed, sing a lullaby, put him back to the crib and then repeat! I remember myself silently sobbing seeing that the sun is already rising, and here I am with 1 kilo of eyebags, begging for just one hour of sleep, while my husband beside me is sleeping like a baby. Lol.
3. Giving up a comfortable sleep
On his fourth month, I started to co-sleep with him. The pain of standing up frequently was addressed but having him beside me also meant giving up a comfortable position to sleep as he is just everywhere! Most of the time I would wake up with may right cheek kissing the wall while the left is kissing his foot.
4. Pumping breastmilk anywhere
When I reported back to the office, I ensured my milk supply is sufficient by dedicating time to pump twice a day no matter how full my schedule is. Sometimes I wanted to just give him formula milk but I know breastmilk has a lot of benefits. I know I’m so blessed to have enough milk so why would I compromise giving him the best protection versus giving in to my laziness, impatience and convenience.
5. Accepting how bad you look
I was at the peak of my weight after giving birth. I disposed all my clothes with the belief that this is me now. So many people are telling me to try different kinds of diet but at the back of my head, what do you want me to do? I need to eat because I’m breastfeeding. And no I will not go on a diet to look good for other people.
6. Giving up your "me time"
Taking a hot shower is the only “me time” I can enjoy especially at home. And even though those minutes are valid to post the sign “Do not disturb”, when I hear Kai’s loud cry after 3-5 minutes, I find myself rushing to to the baby once again.
7. Forgetting about Social life
How’s my social life after giving birth? Negative 10.
8. Converting date nights to something else
Date and movie nights? Negative 100. They were replaced with washing and sterilizing a gazillion baby and pumping bottles, followed by our own dishes. Then it’s play time, clean up, sleep, repeat.
9. Redefining weekends
Weekends were reserved to do the laundry, clean the house, do some errands or visit the grandparents in Laguna. Before, if you invite me to book a flight going to Boracay next weekend, after a few minutes, I’ll tell you “Done!”. Now, if you’ll ask me to have coffee on Sunday, most likely you’ll receive a reply after 48 hours saying “Sorry, Mommy mode – ON”.
10. Losing control of your YOLO life
There’s still a lot in my list but it basically boils down to losing control of the life I used to live. My schedule depended on Kai’s activities. My current work needs to be stopped if he needs me. My conversations will be put on hold as soon as he cries. Travel destinations must be kid and mommy friendly. And the word “me time” was erased from my dictionary. My spontaneous life suddenly turned into a mommy routine that I need to follow to keep my sanity.
The Discovery
Being a first-time Mom without any helper or grandparents nearby is very challenging. But in a span of (sleepless) one year that’s full of adjustment and sacrifice, I just discovered how STRONG I really am. I did things I never thought I could, and I gave up things I never thought I would.
I know you’ve heard this already but it only made sense for me today. As a mother, you really need to be strong physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Or maybe all the “ly” word that you can think of! Lol.
The first 365 days with my son is overflowing with sacrifice and it pushed me to unleash the strength I never thought I had. Looking back, I never thought I could do those things. And now, truly I can say that sacrifice is really giving up what is valuable for you for something that is even more valuable.
I thought I already lost control over my life. But with the coming of Kai in my life, God is just so amazing to give me more reasons to appreciate how wonderful my life is and how great it will be.
